Dating Dames - Dating & Relationship Advice, Tips and Trends

August 20th, 2008

US Census: More women than ever are childless.

(Image: Lara Kulpa)

Twenty percent of women ages 40 to 44 have no children, double the level of 30 years ago, the report said; and women in that age bracket who do have children have fewer than ever — an average of 1.9 children, compared with the mean average of 3.1 children in 1976. - NYTimes.com

It’s being suggested that career choices and ethnicity are the two main reasons for this drop in motherhood. Personally, my reason is because I haven’t found someone to make babies with yet. Sure, I could go out there and “get a baby” but I don’t want that and I think that women (girls) who do that are just… ew. I’d rather at least go to a clinic somewhere and get a donor. Someone WILLING to anonymously father a child with a stranger. I mean, seriously. ;)

What’s my “ideal”? Getting married to a man who won’t ever cheat on me or abuse me, have a baby or two, and live happily ever after, where even at 70 years of age, I cook his dinner every night and he holds my hand as he walks my arthritic butt to the car. Yep, I want the damn fairy tale. Will I get it? I can only hope. But if I don’t see it happening within the next couple years, yes, I’m going out to get me a baby.

Now, I’m an entrepreneur, but I spent my time in college and all that. I’m also 2nd/3rd generation born American. So I don’t fit into their “types” in this article. My situation is simply that I haven’t found “that guy”. It’s not that I’ve made the personal choice to wait, or to not have children at all. It’s that I can’t find the guy who I think would be a great husband and father, who feels that I’d be a great wife and mother, who wants to be MY husband and my kids’ father.

It’s articles like this that annoy me. I know that in this situation, I’m the “margin for error” but damn, when is someone going to write an article about why women like me are in our situations? When is someone going to do a study that figures out how many marriages that go through a cheating spouse that a) end in divorce or b) get through it? I can’t possibly be the only woman in the world who fears that happening to me, and I can’t be the only woman in the world who has never and would never cheat on a mate. Where are those studies, that say that the reason a lot of these women have chosen their careers over having families is because they too can’t find a quality guy who wants the same things in life that they do, so instead they focus on their careers because that’s the only thing they can care for and nurture without requiring a spouse?

Why do you guys think that more women than ever are not having children? What do you think is going to happen to the US population in 40 or 50 years because of this downward trend? And is it “okay” or is it “selfish” for a woman to make the conscious choice, with or without a spouse, to not have children?

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By Lara Kulpa -- 0 comments

August 19th, 2008

Hi everyone! Just a little introduction…

I just wanted to pop on and give Dating Dames readers a little intro of myself!

My name is Lara and I’m what I’ve dubbed “Terminally Single - Like a Disease”.

I’m 31, not ugly, not a witch, not stupid, not a money grubber, not a cheater, a liar, or skank. I’ve never been married, and have no children (yet). But I’m still, somehow, single. So when the opportunity came up to co-author here with Michelle, I jumped at the chance! Boy, I’ve got quite a bit to say about the world of dating, and since I came from the Crooner Culture blog where I talked about “Cool Cats” and “Dangerous Dames“, well, this just fit a little perfectly!

So there you have it - I’ll be posting a lot about online dating, working from home and meeting new people, dealing with exes, and figuring out how to get through all this dating mess to get to the meat: a real, grown-up, mature, happy… relationship.  I’d like to open up and offer my advice and suggestions to anyone who has an issue, or a question, or lives in the Upstate NY area and wants to take me out on a date, who has at least 90% of his teeth, they’re mostly white, and no mullets please. Thank you!

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By Lara Kulpa -- 2 comments

August 19th, 2008

Online Dating Part One - What About the Freaks?

Recently, I asked five of my girlfriends for their input on online dating.  Four of these ladies had used one or more well-known services and one met her husband in a chat room.   Online dating is seen as risky or controversial to many people, but for the ladies that I spoke with, it was a convenient way to meet people who shared their interests.  My friends, they are all professional ladies, a couple of entrepreneurs, a CPA, a lawyer, and a realtor.    

Thankfully, my friends were very open about their experiences and with their comments.  I have so much information that I’m going to break this down into a few different posts.  Today I’m tackling the subject of the guys you would rather not contact you - the pervs and the weirdos.

For some reason, people feel that  putting up an online profile is like opening the door to a whole lot of crazies, but it doesn’t have to be that way.  I asked the ladies if they had dealt with much in the way of odd or inappropriate behavior and most of them said that they had experienced a bit.  The easiest way to deal with them - delete the email, block the sender, and/or alert the administrator.  

A comment that I’ve heard many times, although not from these ladies, is that the free sites are notorious for men who are looking for cyber sex or a hook-up.  If that’s not your thing, their offers can be deleted or ignored.  Men or women, who are looking for that sort of thing, they are going to throw that out there, in the hopes that eventually someone may be interested in the same thing.  Everyone is entitled to chase their own dream, after all. 

On the subject of weirdos, my friend, V says, “…in a way you have a better chance of weeding them out if you meet them online — you can go through quite a few email and phone exchanges before you actually meet. And, if you ask enough of the tough questions before you meet you can learn quite a bit about people.”

V met her current partner on the free site, Plenty Of Fish (www.plentyoffish.com) and had this to say, “(when) I met my current beau I’d actually pretty much given up on meeting anyone of substance–at least I was taking a break–after meeting a number of nice guys that I knew would never amount to a ‘relationship’ so I ‘hid’ my profile and started haunting the forums on POF answering questions on everything from dating to fitness, I noticed my current beau who was a regular poster there–a beautiful writer who contributed to poetry forums and had long exchanges on many other topics from politics to relationships. So I added him to my ‘favorites’ list because enjoyed reading what he wrote…”

A, my married friend, met her husband in a chat room.  “I was email friends with Tim, whom I met in the chat room, for at least a year and a half. He was one of a group that I planned to meet when I visited Washington state. I do want to stress that the friendship was totally platonic, and had never gone beyond that stage. I was not looking for someone and neither was he,” A explained.  A, shared that upon finding out that she was female, quite a few people in the chat room tried to contact her privately with offers she had no interest in, but again, delete and block - it’s easy and effective. 

J, who met her guy through eHarmony.com didn’t have to deal with much in the way of creeps.  She feels that the extensive screening process at eHarmony helped to avoid that.  J says, “… there were probably a dozen ‘normal’ guys for every one ‘weirdo’. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that the men who use dating services are pretty much doing it for the same reason that women are: to find someone they connect with.” 

Sabrina, she of the wise pro/con list advice the other day, believes that, “…the sites are getting more on top of the freaks.”  I know about her freaks firsthand because we belonged to a place that included “matchmakers.”  I wasn’t looking for a date, but I was a matchmaker.  As I remember it, I don’t think she heard back from anybody, but the weirdos. 

H met her beau on eHarmony and she did not have to deal with any weirdos at all.   I had good luck, too, when in the past, I used Match.com, Plentyoffish.com, and the personals at yahoo.  I never had to deal with much of the negative attention.  The last time I used POF, I did have a strange man instant message me, and I did not like that.  I re-met S, my guy, on classmates.com.  Not in a personals section, but through emailing and we began as friends. 

Next time, we’ll cover safety measures you can take to protect your privacy and personal safety.  If you have something specific that you’d like me to cover in this series of articles on online dating, please include your questions in the comments section and I will do my best to find a helpful answer. 

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By Michelle Smith -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2008

Lying - Is It Ever Acceptable To Lie?

This morning I read this piece by Robynne Boyd, on  How To Catch A Liar - AOL Health.  In it she gives examples such as a friend is lying about purchasing a new house, saying it’s to save money, when really the house is more expensive. Who cares if a friend lies about a home purchase - it is their business.  I think it’s best to be straight in the first place, but how much honesty are we owed by the people in our lives?

The article got me to thinking about lying.  Lying can be such a destructive force. In the past, when I’ve found out that I was lied to, well I felt horrible - stupid, even.  There is one time when I was dating my beau, back when we were teens, and I suspect that he may have cheated on me, but I will never ask if he did.  It would hurt too much to know for sure. This event, the part that I do know about, it was what broke us up back then.  He is no longer 17 years old - it has no bearing on our lives now. 

Is it ever okay to lie?  In my opinion, yes, sometimes it is okay to lie.  If  I’m walking with a  friend and my friend falls and then asks, “Do you think anyone saw me?”  I’m going to say, “Oh, no, just me. Don’t worry.” What would be the point of additional embarrassment?   

I have a friend whose husband has a gambling addiction and he regularly gambles away their rent and food money.  She is heartsick a large part of the time and unsure what to do to help her young family.  In their case, I think it’s important to get to the truth, although, in the case of an addict, truth may be pretty elusive. 

I have another friend whose Grandpa died recently.  Her Grandparents were married for more than 60 years and for 58 of those years, they were very happy.  A couple of years ago, the Grandpa told the Grandma about a mistake he made 40 years ago.  The Grandma was aware of part of the mistake, but her husband’s admission, she said it brought all that pain and betrayal back and made their life pretty hellish for some time.  I won’t go into details because this is a private situation between my friend’s grandparents, an extremely painful experience for them.  My friend  told me that her Grandma felt it was cruel of her Grandpa to tell his secret.  He took his burden, his mistake and handed it off to her to live with. 

I’ve heard people say or write that they are “brutally honest.”  They admit this with pride, as if this is their gift and they are honor-bound to share it.  I think that brutal honesty is just an excuse to be rude, to share something that is better kept to yourself.  I will admit that I am not perfect, sometimes I don’t handle things well, but I am never brutally honest.  This woman’s Grandpa, he was a wonderful Grandpa, but his honesty was brutal in this situation.  He laid this big nasty bomb at wife’s feet and then the rest of the family watched in horror as it exploded over and over. 

This Grandpa’s cancer, evil-killer that it was, brought them back together, strengthened the bond between husband and wife once again.  My friend, she told me that she had done her best to reassure her Grandma that the family members didn’t hold onto those 2 bad years.  It was the grandparent’s thing and although it was horrible to see them battle, the family knew that the years they spent in love and devotion, they over-powered and out-numbered the bad time. 

How important is it to bring a lie to light?  I’m not an advocate of lying for the hell of it, or if it is going to lead to someone getting hurt, but sometimes the truth, it’s not the way to go. In the case of K’s Grandpa, it was his screw-up, he should have kept it to himself.  It would have been kinder. 

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By Michelle Smith -- 4 comments

August 17th, 2008

For the List-maker: Setting Dating Or Relationship Goals

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.  Saturday, that’s my laying around day, but Sunday is my self  pep-talk day.  My get-a-clue, make-a-plan day of the week. 

Last Monday was my birthday.  For awhile now, I’ve been examining some of the choices that I’ve made in my life and I’m trying to figure out a way that I could make my them easier to live with.  Today, I’m going to be writing down some goals for how I’d like the next part of my life to play out. 

One part of my life that isn’t as satisfying to me as it could is my romantic life.  My boyfriend, I love him, but we are at a point  in our relationship where I feel that we are pretty disconnected. I would like to remedy this problem. 

I had some insomnia issues the other night and because I was tired and frustrated, I found myself focusing on the things that were bothering me.  I made up a pros and cons list for my relationship.  My friend, Sabrina*, agreed that the list was a good idea.  This is what she had to say on the subject of pros and cons, “Do not keep reading them. Tell yourself you are going to set them aside say for a week or two.  Then, when you have cleared your head, revisit them.  Some of them might not even be valid cons while others you might want to put a big fat star on and really think about them.”

Today I am going to write down a list of Relationship Goals.  Some of the goals will include things like paying down my debt, so that if the opportunity to move to his town comes up, I can actually afford to do so.  I think that living in the same town would help my relationship to progress at a more realistic pace.  A long term, long distance relationship is not my goal. I want to see my guy for more than 2 days a month.  I want to get to know his children better.

If you are dating or currently dateless, a list of Relationship Goals or Dating Goals may help you, as well.  Include timelines and steps that you will take in order to reach these goals.  Say, your main goal is to be married. You could then put sub-headings under ”Married” including the steps it would take to get there, how you would reach those steps, the things you can do on a monthly, weekly, and even daily basis to get to accomplish these steps and your ultimate goal. 

For example, to meet someone you need to first be confident about who you are.  You could start really basic by cleaning out your closet and making sure that you get rid of all unflattering clothing. Only dress in things that make you feel good about the way you look at the size or shape you are now.  This will help to avoid that, “Oh I’ll try to meet someone after I lose weight,” mindset.  No one benefits from that sort of negative thinking.  You are good enough now.  If you have forgotten this, then please reread this post, How To Be Irresistible 

Maybe cleaning out your closet doesn’t seem to have anything to do with dating, it’s only one idea and the first one that occurred to me, but I believe that by taking steps to organize your life, you are allowing things to flow and improving your chances of attaining your goals.  By taking charge of your destiny and facing each day with a sense of your goals, you are going to continue making steps in the right direction.

What do you think?  Do you have ideas for goals of a romantic nature?  Are you a fan of goal-setting or do you see it as a waste of time?  

*Sabrina is a not my friend’s real name. 

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By Michelle Smith -- 3 comments

August 15th, 2008

Is John Mayer A Cad?

By now, the headlines announcing that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up is probably old news to you. 

I’m a fan of both Aniston and Mayer. Okay, to be honest,  I’m a big John Mayer fan.   I think he’s talented and attractive and funny and smart.  I love his music.  ”Dreaming With A Broken Heart” is one of my all-time favorite songs. 

I saw photos of the two of them online and on the magazine covers that I stare at as I wait in line at the supermarket.  News of Johniston, or Johnifer or whatever they have been dubbed, it’s everywhere - pictures, speculation, everything that usually constitutes a celebrity match-up information frenzy. 

Mayer appears to be a serial monogamist.   He dates one lovely lady for a period of time, then moves on to the next.  He dates this new lady for a period of time and then, again, he moves on.  This is his dating past, as portrayed by the media and well, by his actual dating history.  He has a reputation as being a bit of a heartbreaker.   US Magazine named him one of their top “cads” of the year. Why?  Is it wrong for a man to date a variety of women?  Is he supposed to marry every female he dates?   Jennifer Anniston has dated a few men since the end of her marriage.  Does she have the same reputation?   Should she? 

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be a celebrity and single. Everything is so public and played out for the masses.   A couple of celebrities meet, then we hear that they are secretly dating, followed by openly dating, then there’s the rumor of a wedding or a ”baby bump.”  And it all plays out on this super speeded up timetable, accompanied by the requisite paparazzi photos. 

In the “real” world, don’t we advise our friends to take their time, don’t we try to take our time, as well?  Isn’t it important to be sure of your choice?  I can’t imagine the names I would be called, if I was famous and my dating history got out.  Especially my 20s - oh my, that would not be good.   

Why are celebrities expected to do things any differently than anyone else?  They are entertainers and they are frequently pretty to look at, to listen to,  to watch, whatever.  Why should we, or anyone else, feel that we have a right to judge their private lives and the personal decisions that they make?  When my brother-in-law visits, I read the magazines he buys, but not with an eye for judgement.  If I read that a publication has named my favorite singer (okay, one of my favorites, I have a thing for Dave Grohl, too) a cad, the only thing going through my mind is “give me a break.” 

It is my hope that both Mayer and Aniston enjoyed the time that they spent together and that they continue to date as many people as they  feel it is necessary to date, until they find The One.

What do you think?  Am I judging the media or the other judgers too harshly?

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By Michelle Smith -- 0 comments

August 14th, 2008

Personality Quizzes - Another Tool For the Pursuit of Love?

A few people have asked about my experience with online dating, lately.  I don’t have a ton of experience, but I’ve asked some of my girlfriends if they would be open to an interview and happily a few have agreed.  I will work on my interview questions tonight and share the results with you as soon as possible.  In the meantime, if you have anything in particular that you would like addressed, please include it in the comments section. 

I have been called to work early today - apparently there is a lamenting emergency.  I’m going to make this a short post, but I promise the next one will be lengthier.  I was looking around for some personality-type test today and found this site Personality Quiz Site - tests and quizzes  

I took a couple of the Love Tests and found that yes, I do have an “X Factor,” but that I absolutely disagree with their assessment of my attitude toward sex based on my love of the color green (I’m way more spicy than that).  I answered the Love Quiz wherein I am picturing myself walking to my lover’s home - it felt odd, the questions were not things that pertain to me, but my results fit how I see myself.  On the Personality Side, I totally failed the Refrigerator test, but at least I have a healthy attitude about my emotions. 

I’m silly about these quizzes, but I guess I’m hoping that a better understanding of myself will enable me to make smarter choices in matters of love and dating. 

I wish you a wonderful day!

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By Michelle Smith -- 2 comments

August 13th, 2008

Not Just Friends - Was John Edwards Involved In the “New” Trend of Cheating?

Cheating, trendy?  I promise, I’m not being sarcastic or snarky here. 

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. No, I’m not contemplating stepping out on my boyfriend, but with the news that John Edwards has admitted to an affair and the renewed interest in John McCain’s past infidelities, cheating does seem to be a topic of public interest. 

Theories on cheating  (who does it? the percentage of people of do it is? do only men do it?) abound, but the answers to these questions differ, depending upon whom you talk to.  Affairs may happen for many reasons, is it usually due to some sort of void that needs to be filled, either within the cheater or within a relationship?

According to Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D, in her book, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, the new “danger zone” for committed relationships is a combination of work, friends, and the internet.  “As these opportunities for intimate relationships increase, the boundary between platonic and romantic feelings blurs and becomes easier to cross.”  According to the statistics Glass has amassed in her clinical practice, 50% of female and 62% of male cheaters she has counseled began their affairs through contacts at work.  Glass asserts that affairs are not brought about in large part by unloving spouses or a dismal sex life, but rather the participants develop a deep emotional attachment and they lose track of boundaries. 

Boundaries, we learn about boundaries from the time we are children.  Are cheaters lazy, no longer vigilant about maintaining the boundaries or are they simply selfish and no longer feel that it’s important to maintain the boundaries? 

I wasn’t present at the time that Edwards entered into his affair, but from what I’ve read, the woman involved was someone who worked with him on his campaign.  And she pointed a camera at him, presenting his image back to him in as complimentary a light as possible (isn’t that what those ads are about?).  That had to be an ego booster.  I wonder if they had one of these “new” affairs. Did it start because of a shared passion for the process of selling John Edwards to the voting public? (Hey, I bought it, he was my second choice behind Hilary).  Or because of a shared sense of values and an agreement on the issues? 

This story, it saddens me, but it also interests me because I worry about infidelity. My boyfriend lives 6 hours away - I see him one weekend a month.  I want to make my relationship as infidelity-proof as possible.  I’m going to keep looking into this subject.  I want an answer to that boundary question.

Why do you think that people cheat? 

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By Michelle Smith -- 8 comments

August 12th, 2008

Embarrassing Behavior - Who Me?

Kelly,  over at Thrifty Mommy, is doing a post on embarrassing stories.  I have a bunch of them, but in honor of The First Day of School tomorrow, I am sharing a school story. 

I am a noonaide at our local elementary school.  I walk around and say, “inside voices, please,” I open milk and string cheese, little jars of fruit salad, etc.  The kids in the cafeteria spill a lot, usually milk.  I wear flip-flops to work, pretty much all year.  In the course of a work day - 3 lunches - I walk a lot, in fact one time I wore a pedometer and I walked over 2 miles in 1.5 hours.  All that walking tends to wear the tread off the bottom of my flip flops.  Smooth-bottomed flip flops are not a good mix with wet linoleum.   I slip a lot, even when I do wear tennies. 

One time, while walking across the middle of the lunch room, I hit a puddle of milk next to a garbage can on my left.  I felt myself start to lose control, my feet go out from under me, and somehow I ended up with my right arm hooked around the top of the garbage can - the lip was locked under my arm - and I somehow avoided hitting the ground.  I’m not sure how I ended up on the other side of the can, but when I looked up at the kids, they were sitting there with open mouths, in shock.  “Whoa!” I heard one of the 3rd graders say.  “I know!”  I replied. 

I scared the ……..lunch right out of those kids.  They were so startled, they did not even laugh.  I did.  I never miss a chance to laugh at myself and the silly situations I find myself in. 

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By Michelle Smith -- 0 comments

August 12th, 2008

Do You Believe In Good Enough?

Yesterday, I read about a controversy concerning some of the fireworks displayed during the Opening Ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.  A portion of the fireworks were added in digitally.  Personally, I don’t have a problem with that. It was simply special effects for the television audience members who were unable to attend. 

This morning, I read about another one - Controversy Brews Over Lip-Synching - AOL Sports.  The story goes something like this; Yang Pinyin, a 7-year-old Peking opera lover, was chosen to sing ”Ode To the Motherland,” during the Opening Ceremonies, but was later replaced visually by  9-year-old Linn Make, because she was deemed “cuter.”  Lin Miaoke lip-synced to Yang Peiyi’s voice.  Lin Miaoke was then proclaimed,  ”an international singing sensation,” by her father Lin Hui , in  an interview in the China Daily newspaper, even though she did not sing at all.   

This isn’t really that big of a scandal, it’s not even the first time that a previously taped performance was used in an Olympic Opening Ceremony, but it has really got me thinking about these two little girls.  One isn’t cute enough and one isn’t talented enough, or that is the message that this performance sends to each of them.  The article I read, written by Cara Anna, for AP, displays a photo of each girl.  They are both cute.  I’ve never heard Lin sing, so I can’t make any sort of statement about her talent, but that’s really not what matters to me here. 

I can’t imagine how much work and preparation go into planning and pulling off an Opening Ceremony like the one presented on 08/08/08.  I’m sure that some tough decisions had to made, but this one and the way it’s now being publicly played out, I worry about it leaving a lasting impression on these little girls. 

The concept of cuteness or beauty, it’s so subjective - everybody has a different idea of what constitutes a beauty.  After watching shows like American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance, I realize that the concept of talent, lends itself to the subjective, as well. 

This situation, it doesn’t have anything to do with dating, so you may wonder why I’m writing about it here.  I think it has to do with human nature, the way we see things, and how the pursuit perfection can come with a pretty steep price.  It’s hard to be a human.  Dealing with the challenges of every day life, they can be exhausting and soul-sucking.  I hate to think that these two little girls are learning that at such a young age.  These Olympics, they are huge to China, a way to show the world that they are a modern, vital society.  The Chinese, they are going to hold onto the events playing out in China currently.  Everyone who is involved, their families, they are going to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment, but these two little girls, their accomplishments are tainted in the push for perfection because each was decided not enough - not cute enough, not talented enough, not good enough.  That sucks.

I’ve read articles about “settling” and how settling is a bad thing, maybe even a way of cheating yourself out of what you rightly deserve.  I can see where the need for perfection comes into play in sports, but does everything in life have to be perfect?  Do you suspect you’ve ever thrown away someone good for you in the push for perfection?  Can the need to find that perfect person force you to discard someone who might actually be an even better fit for you?  Is “good enough,” ever good enough?

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By Michelle Smith -- 0 comments